Perfect as a graduation speech, yearbook letter, or classroom message, this funny goodbye letter is for departing senior students.
Well, folks, graduation is upon us.
Let's not kid ourselves about how much we like each other/are going to miss each other/suddenly want to hug people we've never talked to. We've been forced to sit, eat, listen, speechify and fail miserably next to each other for seven hours a day, five days a week for the last 12 years. Even if we weren't graduating, I'd have to get out of here. Here are the top 10 reasons why I am saying goodbye to all of you and feeling pretty good about it:
10. That one person who sits in the front of class and constantly interrupts the teacher to tell irrelevant and often inappropriate stories about herself. (You know who you are. No one cares that you have a boyfriend and ride horses. That has nothing to do with pre-calculus.)
9. Sex education. I could think about sex all day. What I do not want to do is talk about pregnancy and horrifying diseases with all of you and the woman who teaches me about athlete's foot in the following period.
8. Condescension. We don't all learn at the same rate and most of the time it works to have separate classes. Sometimes, though, one of our number (you know who you are, off-topic fact announcer,) will offer an opinion on a text that has nothing to do with the price of eggs in China. And the teacher will nod and smile and say, "Good! I think I see what you're saying." No. No they don't. They might as well just hand you a sticker and say "Good job little buddy! Go sit in the corner and eat glue."
7. Staying on school grounds. I'm 18. I'm allowed to smoke, vote, die for my country and be tried as a legal adult. You know what I'm not allowed to do? Get away from all of you for twenty minutes to go buy a slice of pizza. Not. Okay.
6. Dress code. Most of you need a dress code. I've seen what you want to wear, and it is tragic. However, if the school board isn't going to ban Ugg boots, cowboy hats or Lady Gaga, then they should not be banning spaghetti straps and flip flops.
5. Cliques. No, they're not like the way movies depict them, but cliques are still a pain and yes, Amber Smith, words hurt.
4. Busy work. Now, this is just a rumor, but I hear that in college they don't force you to sit in a building with the same people all day killing time while your parents are at work. In college you get the information, write it down and then go home. You do not make dioramas. You do not use papier-mâché. No one asks you to dress up as your favorite Victorian author and give a speech about 19th Century Literature.
3. Study halls. I'm a big fan of sitting around and wasting time with my friends, but does it have to be in a classroom with disapproving adults telling you to be quiet? Because no one is getting any studying done there. We're just all trying to hit each other with paper clips and rubber bands, like little anarchist MacGyvers.
2. Seating arrangement. This also goes for project partners. There are quite a few of you that I have had the dubious honor to sit next to just because our last names are similar. I am looking forward to expanding my horizons to the rest of the alphabet once I am allowed to choose my own seat.
1. Waking up early. The next time I'm awake at 7:00 A.M. it will be because I have been partying since the night before and cannot be bothered to go to sleep.
I hope the rest of you are as jazzed to get away from this as I am. But no, seriously, let's keep in touch.