The road to true love is plagued with potholes, lane changes, and abrupt mergers. Unfortunately, our relationship is like a 1972 Volkswagen Beetle with no brakes or shocks to speak of. That is why I believe it is best if we take this next exit, before we break down in the middle of the highway and get creamed by a semi (not sure what that particular metaphor stands for, but my point remains).
This doesn't have to be a period of sadness, though. Let's try focusing on the benefits of a breakup.
10. You can sing the lyrics to "All the Single Ladies" with a newer, prouder confidence.
9. I am including with this letter a dartboard with a picture of my face in the middle. So, hey, your terrible aim will probably improve pretty rapidly.
8. You may finally learn the mysterious emotional appeal that Dr. Phil has on single women.
7. You don't have to look interested or impressed when I play a musical instrument in your vicinity anymore.
6. I won't embarrass you by wearing socks with sandals ever again.
5. I'm taking all my DVDs, so…that's a real space saver right there.
4. You don't have to have that horrible situation where you've been talking to a cute guy for a long time and it seems weird to bring up that you have a boyfriend but you feel obligated to at least mention me, so you friend him on Facebook so that he notices you're in a relationship.
3. Having guys pay for drinks no longer needs to make you feel guilty.
2. My stupid jokes? Taking 'em with me. You're welcome.
1. You have a free pass to embody all cultural stereotypes with no repercussions! So rent some chick flicks, put on sweatpants, and cookie dough ice cream is on me!
I know putting all of this in a letter seems pretty tasteless, but that's one more reason why you're getting the better end of this relationship transaction.